dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
