just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
