It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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