i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
