So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
