i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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