tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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