I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
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Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
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I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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