He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
