Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
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Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
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So much rum. So many feels.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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