Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
