Old men and throwing up are my life now.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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