Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
