Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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