awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
