I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
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