I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
