Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Randomize
