Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
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