I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
