My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
