Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
