The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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