I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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