When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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