don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
