Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
