We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
