My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Randomize
