Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
