when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
