when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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