I got chris browned last night
Michael Bay diarrhea
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
