This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
