I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
PANTIES FOUND
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
