Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
