Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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