Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
