I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
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