Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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