When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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