Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize