Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
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