As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
