everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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