Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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