The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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