She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
she peed on how many people?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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