you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
