the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
