So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
