I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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