1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
you inspire me to be a worse person
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
