you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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